This journey of life has taken many twists and turns that have brought pain and sadness, frustration and anger. Of course, it has brought happiness, joy and spiritual highs as well.
How dare I think that my brand of suffering is worse than anyone else’s? How dare I feel that God doesn’t take the time to listen to my prayer because he doesn’t answer the way I want? How dare I question God’s sovereignty when he has poured out blessings on me that I don’t deserve. None of us deserve the blessings he pours out on us. And no matter how hard my life appears in my very small, very narrow point of view, there are countless people being battered by storms much larger than I’ve ever had to weather.
He brought me out into a broad place; he rescued me, because he delighted in me.
God is not just speaking to David here. This verse screams out MY name. This verse says to my heart that God delights in ME and he rescues me – if I will just ask.
For who is God, but the LORD? And who is a rock, except our God? Psalm 18:31
My burdens are made heavier by my belief that I carry them alone, that no one else knows the weight that I carry. Did Jesus not carry the sin of the world on him when he went to the cross? Don’t you suppose that the weight of that wooden cross was not what crushed him beneath it – but it was the sins of all mankind – MY SINS – were on that cross? How can I believe that no one knows how I feel? Doesn’t God look at me with love-filled eyes and say “Daughter, I’m right here. This burden is not yours alone. Come to me. I will give you rest. I’ve got this. I’ve got you.” I’m too busy wallowing in my own despair and sense of injustice to open my eyes, my heart, my arms to God the Father! I have felt so unworthy for so long, so unlovable for so long. I have held God accountable for the lack of things I wanted for so long that I have not allowed him to have power in my life when I pray for my own needs.
I believe he wants to help and heal those I pray for outside of my own walls. I believe that he hears me and takes care of me on a basic level, but when it comes to the times where I plead with him, I believe those words fall on deaf ears because somehow I am undeserving. I AM undeserving. That’s what GRACE is all about. It’s about not deserving to have Jesus DIE for my sins. It’s about not deserving to have the promise of heaven with God the father. It’s about not deserving to carry a piece of God with me, IN me in the form of the Holy Spirit. How dare I presume that just because I have deemed myself unworthy that God cannot work in SPITE of my lack of faith and through my self-loathing. I have placed the power of God in a box when it comes to my life. I have refused him entrance to my deepest parts because I don’t feel worthy. Guess what? I’m NOT worthy – never have been. I cannot earn God’s grace. But BY his grace I am free. Free from the bonds of sin that would tie me – that HAVE tied me; bonds that have kept me from true freedom in him. These bonds have dragged me to the pits of self-loathing, self-pity, robbed me of peace, joy and happiness. The liar has stolen my focus and made me believe that I somehow was unworthy to receive ALL God’s grace because I have failed him. The devil cannot succeed. I cannot allow lies and despair to be my closest companions. I am free in Christ. I am free through Christ. He hears my prayers. He answers my prayers. He loves me. Me. With all my flaws, insecurities, failures. Brenda Gomez is a child of the one true KING, the Messiah, and she deserves God’s blessings to flow over her, through her and spill out onto others.
I have asked God to break my heart – break it open so that all of the hurt can pour out and HE can pour in…